California Conservative

Cindy Sheehan’s Advice Column,
Volume III

The Peace Mom answers your questions about life, love, and the Neo-Con Agenda!

Dear Ms. Sheehan:
I just turned eleven a few months ago and start middle school soon, but I’m dead scared of it. I’m bad at opening locks, I’m nervous about going all around the school for classes, and I’m moving next month so I’ll have no friends there. Please help me!!!
Frightened

Dear Frightened:
In Venezuela, people fear that the United States is going to use nuclear bombs against them. Each night, they go to sleep in their little igloos, wondering when the fire of the Great Capitalist Satan will rain down on their peaceful socialist experiment. Hugo Chavez, the democratically elected leader and my only male lover, is doing all he can to reduce the fear in his country by keeping many citizens together in small prisons where they no doubt feel strength in numbers. At night, as the sweet odor of refined oil wafts over the countryside, you can hear them scream in joy at the refuge that their jefe (that’s Spanish for sweet Latin meat) has provided them.

So when you’re trying to remember your combination lock and the beads of sweat are breaking out on your pimply forehead, try and think of the millions of Venezuelan kids who try to study despite the fear of instant incineration hanging over their heads.

Dear Cindy,
I’ve been divorced for five years. My eldest son, 24, never accepted it and still does not. We very seldom speak. He is very, very, bitter. I have a 50th birthday coming up and I’ll be inviting other family members. What do I do about my son? Should I send him an invitation? He will definitely decline. It hurts so much that he feels this way.
Estranged

Dear Estranged:
Since your divorce, have you experienced the tender touch of a female? The gentle brush of soft breasts against your bare skin? A frantic lesbo tent-romp under the hot Texas sun, while dirty bohemians sing folk songs outside?

Why not invite me and my traveling partner, Pat, to your birthday party? We would love to help you celebrate and come to terms with your solitude.

As for your son, I haven’t a freaking clue.

Dear Cindy:
I think my dog has been stung by fire ants. Is there a remedy?
Helpless in Oregon

Dear Helpless:
Yes. First, get a hair dryer, and plug it in.

Next, draw a cool bath. Fill it with Epsom salts. Talk soothingly to your dog as you take these steps.

Now sit your dog alongside the bath, continuing to talk in a low tone. Climb in, and turn to face him.

Now this next step is critical, so pay attention. Grab the hair dryer and turn it on. It’s important that you continue to talk to your dog softly as you do this. Ever so slowly, lower the hair dryer into the bath.

As the current passes through your body, the bath water begins to boil, and your dog begins to yelp frantically, remember that Cindy Sheehan is not a vet. Repeat it to yourself as you slide beneath the water.

Posted by satirical blog, Potfry, which claims to be “‘Exhibit A’ for the argument that maybe not everyone should have unfettered Internet access”