An Answer to Political Incontinence
“There is no reason… that young American soldiers need to be going into the homes of Iraqis in the dead of night, terrorizing kids and children… Iraqis should be doing that.”
– Sen. John Kerry, Dec 4, 2005
AS I WATCHED Senator John Kerry’s latest performance on FTN last Sunday, I was amazed not by his content but by his command of rooterspeak. When Bob Schieffer asked Kerry the same question that Donald Rumsfeld answered in one word (absolutely), Kerry used his entire interview to parry the host – even after Schieffer repeated his questions. If you think I’ve misdiagnosed Kerry’s schizophrenic echolalia, read the transcript and write back.
More and more, Democrats and some Republicans parry questions with nonsensical incoherence that wastes time, undermines democracy, and as in Senator Kerry’s case, attacks our national security. Unlike the spin that politicians and lawyers use to make bad things look good, rooterspeak links random strings of gibberish into something that is dangerously mistaken for intellect. On FTN, John Kerry delivered the wisdom of Chauncey Gardiner with the urgency of Rain Man. I couldn’t wait for the commercials.
As I descended into the fog that cloaks the cul-de-sac of Senator Kerry’s genius, I started to think about fast food, rodents, and the LA County Health Department’s restaurant grading system. Most folks avoid C- or un-rated restaurants and if an eatery has less than an A-rating, I’m probably not there either. The media and video games use rating systems. Good Housekeeping and Consumer Reports save consumers hours of confusion, heartache, and research before they buy products. Ratings help us make intelligent choices while reducing the time it takes to discern quality. It also eliminates the surprise of porn at theaters and roaches in salads.
With the advance of the mainstream media’s growing senility, the need for organizations that grade those who suffer from political incontinence becomes evermore important. Like consumers buying their first computer, many voters are too preoccupied with life to waste time with rooterspeak. If letter grades were assigned to politicians [i.e., John Kerry, D-MA (F), Joe Leiberman, D-CT (B+), Randy Cunningham R-CA (F)], politicians might have an incentive to include components of veracity and coherence in their messages while media outlets that carried more A/B than D/F politicians might be more selective with those they interview. First Amendment rights do not preclude media companies from selecting lucid guests.
If Senator Kerry delivered one clear message it is that such a rating system is long overdue.