California Conservative

European cartoonists have stirred up a controversy satirizing Mohammed, the Muslim prophet. One of the more creative panels shows Mohammed looking down from heaven at a long line of suicide bombers, pleading for them to stop down because “We have run out of virgins!”

What the Prophet really needs is a Howard Dean to implement liberal dogma:

– Redistribution of Wealth: Rewarding each suicide bomber with 72 virgins is “obscene,” especially since disadvantaged (non-Martyr) Muslims are forced to survive with far fewer. A progressive formula for equitable redistribution of wealth is required to level the playing field. In addition, a “Virgin windfall” tax may be needed.

– Affirmative Action: The virgin population in Islamic heaven is currently limited to beautiful, thin, middle-eastern Muslim women between 18-20. This bigoted discrimination prevents otherwise qualified virgins from gainful employment and is a root cause of the shortage crisis.

An affirmative action program is needed to assure diversity and equality. Heaven should be forced to hire plain, overweight women of black, white, Latino, and Asian ethnicity, between the ages of 21-75, as well as women from the Christian, Jewish, Hindu, and Buddhist religions. This would immediately eliminate shortfalls. (It might reduce the number of suicide bombers as well, but that can be solved elsewhere.)

– Redefining “Sex” and “Virgin”: As a recent American president discovered, defining the word “sex” is nearly as bewildering as defining what the meaning of “is” is. But, as it turns out, Bill Clinton’s definition of sex would greatly reduce the number of “spoiled” women, while automatically expanding the pool of those eligible to work as virgins.

– Recycling: Virgins are increasingly seen as disposable commodities in Islamic heaven. One or two uses, and out! Strict recycling rules are needed to eliminate waste and protect heaven’s environment.

Although liberalism is not worth a damn in a free and capitalistic society, it might be perfect in a fascist environment like Islamic heaven.

Attention Howard Dean: If the DNC finally gets wise and dumps your dumb a**, check with a Muslim terrorist for your next gig!

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John W Lillpop is a recovering liberal who has been “clean and sober” since 1992 when he last voted for a Democrat. He resides in the San Francisco Bay Area, the only place on earth where Nancy Pelosi and Barbara Boxer are considered sane and intelligent.

The opinions expressed in this column represent those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the opinions, views, or philosophy of CaliforniaConservative.org

This entry was posted on Monday, February 27th, 2006 at 8:07 am and is filed under Humor, Liberals, Religion. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.