California Conservative

(Hat tip: Reader Saul A.)

If you love dogs you’ll know how hard it is to watch. For neurological or physiological reasons, a dog may spend hours chasing his tail. If he catches it and causes injury it could, if left untreated, cause further injury and worsen the whirling behavior.

I sense five perceptions to this problem.

• To the dog: His tail preoccupies him for long periods of time. It is the reason for, and the solution to, all of his problems. Left untreated, he will chase it until hunger, thirst, or fatigue overtakes him. When rested, he will continue his pursuit. Until treatment, training, and rehabilitation are provided, the dog will likely die after breathlessly wasting his life.
• To pet owners: The disturbing behavior interferes with their otherwise healthy relationship with the family pet. Tail-chasing also distracts him from the security that comes with his territorial instincts.
• To underdeveloped adults: Like porn, a tortured dog can provide hours of entertainment, especially for those desperate to relieve their own pain.
• To disinterested neighbors: Although annoying, the dog seems active and fully engaged.
• To criminals: Whirling dogs are too busy to protect territory or confront evil.

So how did whirling dogs get my attention? If you said “global warming” you would be correct!

Let me explain:

The dog’s tail presents an imagined source of anxiety. Healthy dogs hardly notice their tails until caught in a door or stepped on. But to mentally disturbed animals, their obsessive compulsion resembles the paranormal hysteria that preoccupies our global warming alarmists.

Except for the meteorologists and climatologists who have studied our skies for centuries, most people hardly notice the weather until the game gets rained out. But to Al Gore, hot and cold days, thickening and melting ice, rain and drought, day and night, deserts and mountains all remind him of his scabbed little tale. If Gore was alone in this endeavor he’d be viewed as a deranged mongrel that needs help. The difference is that, this time, Gore has convinced other dogs to enlist more dogs to chase their tails and to recruit other whirling crazies, as if scouting for the canine version of Dance Fever.

The pet owners represent the grown-ups of America. Those of us who embrace what Thomas Sowell describes as a “significant stake in society” look at the weather as the inexact science it is. Unless you belong to the Flat Earth Society you’ll agree that the planet has warmed considerably since the Ice Age. But how can we believe scientists can predict the next 100,000 years when AccuWeather barely grasps the next 100 hours? And when leftist politicians dismiss internationally-recognized climatologists (1,2,3) for their heliocentric blasphemy, it’s time for America’s grown-ups to call the dog whisperer.

America’s underdeveloped adults will resist. After all, these cultists have invested much time and energy in the global warming tale. The orgy of concerts, fundraising, domestic terrorism, moonbat romances, and political enablers feel too good to surrender to the dysphoric sobriety of a wasted life. Like the seduced child who is suddenly too old for his priest, America’s moonbats have wasted too much of their lives to chase another tale. But before they start passing the Kool-Aid I have some good news – there’s always Obama and “racial profiling.”

America’s disinterested neighbors are too preoccupied with their own lives to worry one way or the other. They hear Al Gore’s growling snarls and suppose he’s doing what dogs do. Gore sounds really busy, he stays active, and he makes lots of impressive noises, so he must know what he’s doing. And regardless of what Gore’s up to, the neighbors are too busy working, raising families, punching clocks, baking cookies, and suing corporations to worry about Gore’s tale. They know that when the dust settles, Gore will take a well-deserved nap. After all, he’s been busy protecting the planet from greenhouse gases. I’m amazed that secular moonbats so willingly genuflect to cow farts. No wonder they chase their tails.

Criminals are a threat. While America is distracted by the growls, dust, and snapping of fake issues like global warming and racial profiling, immediate problems like Islam, medicine, Social Security, gangs, and public schools, are killing and crippling Americans today! To avoid any agreement with the Bush Administration, politicians seeking the moonbat vote will finance the ambitious scientists to promote the global warming issue, as long as those politicians keep the grant money coming in.

I must admit, ever since I learned that global warming will drown San Francisco, Santa Monica, and Boston I’ve been burning old tires in my back yard. But the reality is that the planet will continue to warm and humanity will adapt as we always have, as long as we survive the present global crisis.

America’s grown-ups see the dog chasing its tail. We’ve looked for parasites and mange but see nothing but bite marks and scars. We gather information, study the behaviors, and take steps to calm the animal.

As much as I like Rudy, Newt, Condi, and Mitt, I think America needs Cesar Millan in ‘08!

Now, that’s funny.

RELATED:
Al Franken: Full of Hot Air (America)

It’s about time we started to laugh at these cavemen…
The Late Show with Osama

You’ll have to ask him about “due diligence”…

(via The Alarm Clock)

JimmyJane - Maker of $375 Gold Vibrator - Raises VC Funding From Tim Draper

Tim Draper’s wife must live a charmed life. Not only is her hubby a Kubla Khan, but apparently he gets the sensual life as well. Draper has invested in high-end sensual products maker Jimmie Jane, maker of vibrators, blind-folds and other bedroom products. The founders say they had a devil of a time raising funds despite having a rocking balance sheet. Jimmie Jane raised $1.1M in series C and the round is still open as the company aims to raise $2.5M

Read on…

NOTE: We don’t know if the company is still beta-testing.

With all the partisanship that we’ve seen from Democrats this week, I think it’s appropriate to talk about Chevy Chase’s op-ed in the NY Times. Here’s my favorite section of Mr. Chase’s op-ed:

Seated at a small table set for four in a simple dining room also containing a somewhat complicated videotape recorder and TV set were the former commander in chief and I making friendly small talk before lunch was brought in. And on all fours, literally on their hands and knees in front of the bulky and confusing tape machine, were Mrs. Ford and Jayni trying their best to figure out the wiring of the playback machine and the way the whole system worked, so we could watch the screen tests. Noting the effort the ladies were putting into getting the VCR to work, I suggested to Mr. Ford that perhaps we might help them out.

As I began to stand up from my chair, he took gentle hold of my arm, sat me back down and said: “No, no, Chevy. Don’t even think about it. I’ll probably get electrocuted, and you’ll be picked up and arrested for murder.”

We both laughed.

I’ll never forget that moment. My laughter was hearty and genuine.

It’s nice that Chase wrote this. He made a name for himself lampooning President Ford. And he is a megaliberal. He hates President Bush to the core.

Technorati Tags: President Ford, Betty Ford, Chevy Chase

Cross-posted at LetFreedomRingBlog

Pretty well covers it…

Did they miss anything?

Scott Ott’s latest satire from the frontlines:

(2006-12-07) — Iran already has the N-bomb, according to an unnamed European diplomat, and President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has approved a plan to begin deploying it at comedy clubs in the United States.

The CIA is investigating allegations that former comedians Michael Richards (Kramer on Seinfeld) and Andy Dick (that guy on the 1990s sitcom NewsRadio), may have connections to the Iranian regime.

“The N-bomb poses a particular danger because you don’t even need a briefcase to hide it,” said one unnamed CIA source. “It’s so small that you can conceal it in the human heart, and it won’t show up on x-rays.”

Experts say its the perfect terror tool because American reaction to the use of the N-bomb, exceeds their fear and outrage over suicide bombers, or al Qaeda’s plan to rule the world from Baghdad.

President Ahmadinejad has denied Iran is developing such a weapon, but has also called for the destruction of American establishments “where customers drink disorienting beverages and pay to giggle at adults saying naughty words.”

Today, with a news headline this silly, it almost sounds believable.

And that’s not funny. But as usual, Scott Ott reports:

(2006-11-21) — In the wake of a civil rights crisis sparked when culturally-insensitive passengers on a U.S. Airways flight Monday became alarmed at the sight of six praying Muslim Imams, a consortium of major airlines has agreed to set aside Muslim prayer sections on all domestic and international flights.

“From now on, we devote our former first class sections to the use of our faithful, peaceful Muslim customers,” said an unnamed airline industry spokesman. “Most of the time, when a group of Muslim men suddenly stands up on an airplane chanting ‘Allahu Akbar’, they’re simply praying. Although the memories of 9/11 are still fresh in the minds of many Americans, if we’re going to heal those wounds, we need to move beyond religious intolerance.”

Flight attendants will alter their safety instructions to inform passengers that “seat cushions can be used as prayer mats,” and pilots will make every effort to point planes toward Mecca five times each day.

The industry source added, “We ask our devoted Muslim customers only to remember that all domestic flights are non-smoking, and we’d like to keep them that way.”

The shocking news that O.J. Simpson is going public with a book and interview about how he could have hypothetically killed Nicole Simpson and her friend Ron Goldman in 1995 has drawn scorn and revulsion from many who are convinced the former football star is benefitting financially from a murder he actually did commit.

And in another strange twist, TNOYF has learned that a prisoner at the California State Penetentiary, Cletis Tallywhacker, is penning a short novela about how he would have hypothetically raped O.J. Simpson if he had been his hypothetical cellmate.

Simpson’s Novel is titled If I Did It while Tallywhacker’s book is called If I Could Get Me Some Hall Of Fame Running Back Booty.

According to prison officials, Tallywhacker has long been obsessed with Simpson, and killed several other prisoners in rage when O.J. was acquitted and his hopes for intimacy with him were dashed. They are hoping that the book is an outlet.

“There’s no harm in our prisoners playing out their fantasies in writing,” said Prison Warden Hal Souder. “And I’m thrilled that Mr. Tallywhacker has accurately depicted our guards ignoring Mr. Simpson’s pleas for help. Hypothetically, of course.”

UPDATE: (11/20)
Michelle Malkin reports OJ is “out of juice..”
BREAKING: FOX cancels the interview (oh happy day!)

Cross-posted by satirical blogger, Potfry