California Conservative

Few of us can imagine Americans without their cars. Each day, millions of us drive to school, work or go shopping and complete routine errands in our cars. Throughout the last century, automobiles have played an important part of our culture, while the industry helped make America the economic power that it is today.

Americans spend millions of hours in cars commuting each week. Many of us experienced our first romantic kiss in a car. Some of us were conceived in cars. Sadly, some of us will die in cars.

Yugo History

Once called one of the worst cars ever built, the Soviet-bloc-built Yugo was said to have the distinct feeling of something assembled at gunpoint. With the reputation of being both unreliable and ugly, the Yugo was an affordable alternative for yuppies who still attended college or commuted to their first job.

Although US dealers have not imported the car since 1989, Yugos continue to kill and injure millions of people around the world every year. Today alone, one thousand men, women and children will die in Africa because of this Soviet-era weapon.

If not for the remarkable skills of dedicated researchers from around the world, we would not know about Yugos or the terrible threat they pose today. Thanks to the commitment of Yugo researchers (and billions of our tax dollars) who understand the threat, we know much more about the car than we did when it first appeared in 1975.

After the first six years as a silent killer, Researchers observed the first signs of trouble in 1981. Just as Congress planned to withdraw funding from scientifically corrupt research projects, several dozen young single men suddenly appeared in cities like West Hollywood, San Francisco and New York with inexplicable blunt-force trauma injuries in their wrecked cars. Although witnesses at the scene noted that all of the young men had been engaged in street races before crashing their modified Cameros, Mustangs and Celicas into trees and parked cars, police quickly attributed the crashes to the ugly anti-teenager stereotype of “street racing” and “teenaged cruising” without considering the deadly role played by the harmless-looking but sinister Yugo.

At first, scientists were mystified by the Yugo’s ability to influence collisions and disappear before anyone could observe them. In most collisions, Yugos left no trace that it been anywhere near the scene of the accident. Regardless of how thoroughly police interviewed witnesses or collected evidence, unless the shattered remains of a Yugo were actually found at the scene, police rarely (if ever) mentioned them in their reports.

Thanks to their award-winning work, researchers soon discovered that Yugos were often located in the same cities where the collisions had occurred. In some cases, Yugos were seen on the same streets within weeks or days before or after a crash. As remarkable as these breakthroughs were, these observations only led scientists to more difficult questions:

• Exactly how did Yugos influence collisions?

• How do Yugos influence collisions without being directly observed at an accident?
• How could such a notoriously undependable car appear and disappear with such unpredictable and unexpected characteristics without anyone seeing them?
• What exactly makes Yugos so deadly?

Yugo Test

To answer these and other troubling questions, researchers had to first develop a fool-proof detection protocol.

Because Yugos are so difficult to detect, researchers had to establish markers – based upon all available research – to identify exactly when Yugos are present.
Because Yugos are known to travel within the same cities and cause accidents that almost always result in a police response, researchers knew that if police responded to an accident, someone was usually injured – which meant that Yugos were almost always involved. So instead of wasting time looking for the Yugo directly, testing protocols were designed to look for the presence of Yugo markers. By looking for the presence of police officers at serious or fatal car crashes, researchers could logically conclude with nearly 100 percent certainty that Yugos had caused the accident.

Yugo Denialism

Despite the billions of dollars spent and thousands of research papers that have been written by award-winning scientists, some people still remain unconvinced. Most disturbing are people – even scientists – who do not believe that millions of people are injured or killed in traffic accidents. Some don’t even believe that Yugos exist. Despite the crashed cars, the blood, the injuries and tragic toll on human life that we witness on the news every day, these denialists refuse to see the obvious. Like Holocaust deniers and flat-earth disciples, scientists who deny the fact that more than 40,000 Americans die and a million more are seriously injured each year do not deserve to be called scientists, should not receive research grants and should not be exposed to young and impressionable college students.

Yugo denialism is not harmless.

By refusing to accept the evidence and spreading false rumors that Yugos don’t exist or that thousands of deadly accidents don’t occur each day, those who accept these pathologically disconnected lies face an even greater risk.

In the opinion of some highly paid Yugo researchers and psychiatry professors whose universities accept millions of dollars in Yugo research grants, all denialists should be shunned, scorned and institutionalized far from where their dangerously irresponsible and life-threatening beliefs can threaten humanity. To ignore the mountains of pages of combined research and the expertise of thousands of highly-paid Yugo scientists in favor of those who are not highly-paid Yugo scientists is nothing more than a scientific perversion.

What can you do?

• Be aware. When you’re on the street, avoid police officers and accidents;

• Do you know a denialist? If so, encourage your friends and associates to contact his family every day and tell them how dangerous he is.

If they refuse to understand how important Yugo research is you can:

• Sign them up for unwanted magazines and porn sites;

• Place large orders of food and have it delivered to their homes and businesses;
• Use spray paint to identify their homes and businesses as denialists;
• Drop rat poison-laced food on their lawns for pets to eat, and;
• Cut down their trees and bushes.

Remember that Yugo denialism is a human rights issue. Yugo denialists must be identified and punished.

If the denialist:

• Teaches at a university – contact the Dean and tell them that the school’s research funding will be threatened if they permit the denialist to remain on campus. Ask Yugo researchers to write letters to the dean and fund protests and marches at the university to educate the public about Yugo denialism.

• Is a reporter – contact the news agency and complain. Tell your friends and associates to complain and boycott all advertising products. Call their advertisers.
• Is someone you know or work with – inform your friends and associates that he/she is a denialist and is too mentally unstable and unsuitable for friendship. If someone questions or defends the denialist, tell your friends that he/she is also a denialist and contact their friends and family.
• Is an actor – encourage your associates to pressure the producer and director to cut them from all current and future projects. Encourage your fellow actors to switch to another talent agency if that agency doesn’t drop the denialist actor immediately.

Remember that Yugo-denialism is a deadly psychological disorder and that, if you associate with the mentally ill, you also risk alienation – and deservedly so.

Yugo Defense & Protection

Although billions of tax dollars have already been spent to understand how the Yugo causes accidents, billions more are needed to understand the mysterious crash of Air France Flight 447 and the tragic train crash in Viareggio, Italy last month - countries where Yugos are still known to exist.

To protect yourself and your family, yighly trained Yugo scientists have patented several powerful devices that protect drivers from deadly Yugo-related accidents.

• For less than $200/mo, the Yugo Defense Unit (YDU) monitors all Yugos within 200 miles of you and your car.

• For less than $100/mo, the Yugo Repeller Unit (YRU) sends high frequency radio waves that are specifically designed to disable Yugos.

When both technologies are used, the YDU automatically activates the YRU, protecting you long before Yugos begin to approach your car or loved ones. Owning these lifesaving devices qualifies you for monthly visits to your local Yugo Defense Service Stations (YDSS). Conveniently located within fifty miles, owners can drive their cars to the YDSS for the lifesaving two-hour check-up or can call YDSS toll free to arrange for convenient low cost towing to and from the YDSS.

So as you can see, for only $1.50 per mile per month, drivers can protect themselves and their loved ones without ever thinking about Yugos or the remarkable technology that fits in less than half the space of most trunks. And for $1.50, can you think of a better way to show your family and friends how much you love your children?

For more information, send $10 to my PayPal Account and I will immediately send this story to all of your friends. For an additional $500 per year, I will set up my own patented wireless anti-Yugo device so that subscribers will never need to worry about the threat that Yugos pose to your close friends and family. For less than two dollars a year, you can show how much you love your family and friends and never again think about Yugos.

With your help and courage, you can bring an end to this needlessly genocidal menace.

This entry was posted on Sunday, July 5th, 2009 at 9:04 am and is filed under Academia, Africa, Author: Clark Baker, Corruption, Domestic Policies, Science. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.